"This" Santa's Butt Is Tired!

Seems like the only one's listening to this "Santa" (aka me) is myself and my furry friends. No, those are not my furry friends pictured above. Mine would be too busy either walking across the keyboard while I'm trying to work, or coughing up a hair ball on some document I have just finished. Although that can't happen now, because my wonderful printer, the nice expensive one I've loved and had for awhile decided to commit suicide. Perfect time of year, you know, I really didn't want to print any pictures for some of my Christmas gifts! I bought a cheap printer, and just need to hook it up, all is not lost. I always have some things done as well! Most of the shopping is done, of course NOTHING is wrapped. Think I bought all the food that I was supposed to have for Christmas day. Of course I still need to clean, along with about ten other things. And the best yet, I get to work at Country Roads tomorrow. Wow, I can hardly wait. There is this "awesome" Christmas song that you may sometimes hear while shopping at Country Roads during the holidays. It is MY favorite, seriously. ISo if you get offended easily, then maybe don't read the lyrics, seriously! Here goes, my favorite song by Ben Folds Five!!

"The Bizzare Christmas Incident"

(Ho, ho, ho...Play it Grandpa...Yeah, play it...Let's tell them a little story
about what happened this Christmas.... Yeah, tell them... tell 'em 'bout

Christmas Eve, I didn't get much sleep
I kept hearing things, heavy breathing from the chimney
Who could it be?

(I'll tell you what it was... What happened then, Ben?... Yeah, what
happened?... Well, I went back to sleep... You went back to sleep? Back to
sleep? Shit... Tired man, went back to sleep)

And in the morning, I couldn't believe my eyes
A whale of a corpe with a long white beard
Was dangling over the fire

oh, Santa he's a big fat f*ck
Went down the chimney got his fat ass stuck
Oh, honey, call the lawyers fast
'Cause Mrs. Clause is gonna sue my ass
hey, hey, hey

(Ok grandpa, step up, sing in this thing right here, tell 'em what you saw,
tell 'em what you saw grandpa)

I gotta tell you folks,
He wasn't wearin no clothes
He musta rubbed a whole gallon of Crisco oil
from his back down to his toes
While I was talking to the cops outside
The dog was lickin Crisco off of his thighs
They hauled him away in a double-wide
What a sad, sad way to die
Hey, hey, hey

Santa, he's a big, fat f*ck
went down the chimney, got his fat ass stuck
oh, honey call the lawyers fast,
Mrs. Claus is gonna sue our ass!!

So, with that said, I best tackle the rest of my assigned Christmas chores. I REALLY need to do something with the naked Christmas tree, or at least hide the black trash bag it's sitting on!


Vintage Market Place said...

Oh, Ben folds...what a sense of humor!
Our christmas is now over and we survived. Tired here but it was worth it to see Brooklyns face and happiness.
Just think of those kids and grandbabies and not all the poop that has to be done.
Take care of yourself Sue

Blooming Rose Musings said...

Too funny! I stopped in the store a few weeks ago with a fellow blogger but you were not there. I was so sorry to have missed you. I bought a few stocking stuffers and one or two little things for me. I didn't make it up to Alameda last month but I'm hoping to go in Jan or Feb. I'll look for Bryce. I'm planning on meeting up with a couple of bloggers there.

Sue, I wish you and your loved ones a very, very Merry Christmas!

ginny said...

loved it!! your lyrics rank right up there with my favorite xmas poem about reindeer in the east. if i can find it, i will post it. again, if anyone offends easily, this is not for you! but each year i'd read it and laugh my ass off! thanks, needed something off the wall for the holiday season.